What To Do When Bullying Finds You - Bullying Defense Tips For Parents and Teachers

Feeling Bullied?
An opposite approach the the institutionally administered so called anti-bully movement.
Inside Out Instead of Top Down - Methods That ACTUALLY WORK!

What Do You Do When Bullying Finds You or Your Child?
Great question.  Among the myriad of self proclaimed experts and well intentioned amateurs offering advice it may be difficult to wade through the sea of responses and find what works for you or your child.

Parents and Teachers...

BULLYING FACTS:

• Bullying is the most common form of violence in American society according to the National Association of School Psychologists.
• Bullying affects 15 to 30 percent of students as either bullying child or the targets of bullying
• Studies have shown that adults who were bullied as children have a much higher level of depression and lower self-esteem than those who were not.

1. Investigate.

Prescription without diagnosis can lead to increasing problems and complexity, exacerbating the problems rather than solving them.
Is the child teachable and capable of self help?  Perhaps guiding them through the process with options is the best course of action.  What are the roles of the teacher, administration, parents, friends and social climate?  What are the emotional and social skill levels of the individuals involved?
How can we work to improve resiliency factors, dignity and peace of mind of the child?
Above all, reassure the child that you believe them, will listen and help them make the situation better.

2. Separate facts from fiction and judgmental opinion.

Jumping to conclusions, labeling "bully" or demonizing are proven to be failed approaches.  Rather than label, seek first to understand the dynamics, history, individual dynamics and keep an open mind to the totality of reality and the contributing factors.
Use wisdom, compassion, empathy and reassurance without the blame game.  Responding with wisdom is more powerful and helpful than reacting with simple emotion.

3. Encourage empathy and dignity for all parties at every step.  

Avoid demonizing, labeling and other escalating behaviors.  Reassure the individuals that you understand the pain and acknowledge it.  However, try to help them understand that they are empowered with expanded points of view and that forgiveness has more power than revenge.   Anger is OK as long as it moves us in a more positive and helpful position.  Anger just needs to be directed in a productive direction.  It does not help to dwell on it for too long.
Focus on solutions and the desired outcome, rather than the past hurts and actions.  Revenge focuses on the past.  Peace is focuses on the future.  This doesn't mean to diminish the pain or injury, nor ignore it.  It simply means to address it appropriately and not let it hold you back.

4. Collaborate with teachers, counselors, and parents for a win-win solution.

Begin to look at the resources available and see everyone as on the same team of desiring a positive outcome.  Look for ways to make it a teachable moment and seek the best available long-term outcome.  An empowered child who feels happy and secure is much better than a child empowered with pseudo-celebrity from attention grabbing victim-hood.  Being a perpetual victim is not a wise life-choice.  We may not always be able to control what happens to us, however, wise and powerful individuals choose how they react to those circumstances.  Share true stories which exemplify overcoming odds and difficult situations while retaining dignity.

5. Educate, train and prepare the individual for the future.

When we see these conflicts as opportunities for teachable moments, we change the dynamics significantly.  Sometimes, children who demonstrate aggressive behaviors are at risk at home, abused or simply neglected.
Children who are passive, often believing they are being nice, have no idea that they are making themselves soft targets and positioned for repeated abuse, and not just with bullying.  Instead teach them how to choose the behaviors, body language, boundaries and actions of an assertive individual.  Offer peaceful solutions so they can make better choices.
If you must intervene, do so with the knowledge of the short and long term consequences.

http://www.amazon.com/Bullyproof-Unleash-Hero-Inside-Your/dp/0692522719/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1444160023&sr=1-1&keywords=bullyproof

Other Free Resources:
https://bullyingpreventionworld.wordpress.com/
https://www.facebook.com/mybullyproofvest?fref=ts
https://www.facebook.com/Bullying-Prevention-Initiative-International-240455266014141/timeline/
https://www.facebook.com/Arizona-Bullying-Prevention-Project-195880673766509/timeline/

Attention Parents of Bullied Children... Is Your Child Being Bullied and You Need Answers Now?

Are you a parent of a BULLIED CHILD who's frustrated with teachers and school system?

Has your son or daughter fallen through the cracks of the school wide anti-bullying programs?
Does your child's school deny having a bullying problem or refuses to listen?

If so... We have the answers.

My name is John Nottingham and I've been helping men, women and children protect themselves and effectively deal with bullying for over 27 years.  I know the pain of being bullied because it happened to me.  That's why I created my BullyProof Vest - How to Handle Bullying Like a Bodyguard.  I train bodyguards, Police SWAT, FBI, Military, Special Forces, men, women and children of all ages for a living.  I can help you and your child too. I don't say that to impress you but to impress upon you that my techniques have to work because lives depend on it.

The Solution to Bullying is NOT Complex - It Is Simple... Just Not Always EASY.
Bullying is not a complex problem as the modern self proclaimed experts report.  That is why reports of bullying is on the rise.  Research is revealing that their efforts are failing despite their new laws, NO BULLY ZONE posters and impotent attempts to force everyone to be nice.  That approach just isn't realistic.  They fail because they are in a field outside their expertise.  

Is The Anti-Bully Movement Creating Victims or Victors?
More often than not these well-intentioned groups are creating serial victims by teaching them that nobody has the right to offend them or be wrong, have a bad day, make a mistake or be anything but nice.  This is simply a formula for disaster and will leave a generation of children unprotected, incapable, who are emotional marshmallows with low social intelligence.  Our program teaches how to become victorious in bullying situations through practical skills from verbal judo that build confidence, and instill resilience, rather than erode it.  

Learn to Successfully Prevent Bullying From Professional Protectors
Bullying behavior has a simple solution - but those who refuse to accept the reality of it want to believe that it is a complex problem because they don't know how to deal with bullying.  Most of them can't deal with bullying behavior even as adults and that is  the reason they are failing children.  You can't give away what you don't have.

The Uncomfortable Truth - Cash in the Reality Check
The answer to bullying is acceptance of reality.  Bullying is a behavior that we are all capable of.  It is as part of the human make up as much as violence is.  As much as some individuals struggle with that idea because it conflicts with their wishes for a nice and happy world, it is not so.  This is a form of anxiety producing denial.  Denial is not an effective bullying solution nor practical self defense approach.   

If we could legislate a perfect community, politicians would have done that long ago.  The fact remains that oppressive behavior and violence exists in our world because it exists in our human condition.  The good news is that we have solutions for it and we can teach them to you and your child.

Here are some smart steps to helping your child overcome bullying.

1. Observe - Know Your Child
Observe them in social situations while they interact with other children.  Note their body language, emotional responses, social skills and ability to adapt or make friends.  It is important to notice how they navigate through challenges, various feelings and use problem solving skills.  Are they passive (did nothing)?  Aggressive (usually ends up in a fight or spewing insults)? Assertive (demonstrated calm strength)?  Do they have skills for problem solving?  How much do they rely on you?  Too much? Too little?  The goal should be a healthy interdependence of using you and teachers as a resourceful guide, not always as a rescuer or strong arm of justice.  
Remember that a helicopter parent that always swoops in to rescue a child is crippling that child for years to come and robbing them of the opportunity to have dignity, resourcefulness and important safety capability.  That is not to say they are to be abandoned when they really need help!  It is based on context so the situation will determine the best course of action.  It is NOT one size fits all overly specific or overly generic methods.  

2. Develop Trusting Relationship
Develop a relationship with your children where they feel safe to share things with you.  Be a good listener.  Avoid interrupting, or being too quick to judge a situation and render your opinion.  Ask them what they think they should do first and encourage them to problem solve so they develop skills.  Share personal experiences with them that may be helpful for them to know you understand and acknowledge and validate their feelings.  They are not you.  Avoid preachy dogma that might make them feel weak or incapable, or overly aggressive or get in trouble.  Explain the outcomes of various approaches and together determine a course of action.  You are teaching them important skills here so use wisdom.  If you are not sure then show them how to seek out expert help when needed and be resourceful.  Build trust so that your children know you are an advocate for them and a trusted voice of wisdom and reason.

3. Assessment
Next is to determine the type of bullying, its sources, characteristics and the level of threat that it poses to personal safety or emotional health.  Stick to the facts and ask for specifics.  Recognize that you have a bias as the child's parent so be cautious to sort out fact from feelings (in your own mind) while being empathetic to your child's emotions.  Reassure them that you are on their side and believe them.  

What kind of bullying is taking place?  

• Verbal Bullying / Intimidation
• Indirect Bullying / Emotional Bullying (manipulation, exclusion, rumors etc.)
• Internet / Social Media aka Cyberbullying
• Physical Bullying
• One individual, multiple etc.
• Locations: School, places of transition (bus stop etc.)  
• Whom has been notified?
• What have they tried?

Gentle Interview/Test

Role play the scenario with your child with you being the "bully" and have them show you how they have handled it in the past.  You can make it into a game where your child feels safe.  Stay in character without allowing it to become too silly.  Be careful not to render a  hasty judgement - instead identify with your child's feelings first then when calm and ready you can explore some solutions together.

In most cases you'll find your child is being passive.  Some will be aggressive.  The goal is to be assertive.

Taking into account your child's emotional health and social intelligence ask yourself if you believe your child is capable of self rescue.  If so, you can move on to the next step.  If not, you may have to develop an intervention plan with teachers or other calm, reasonable adults.  The best approach is with calm wisdom that seeks to help the other child, not exact revenge or some twisted idea of social justice (which could lead to bullying behavior and make things worse).

4.  Lead by example.  Remember that you model problem solving behavior and conflict resolution skills to your child in your daily life.  Be a good example to them.  

Also, you should lead by example in the role playing. Let them act out the bully role while you handle it with calm and wisdom.  Try some of the verbal judo comeback lines we provide here.  Model the behavior you wish to see in your child.  If you lack the skills, get training, practice and then do so.  You can learn together and make it a great experience!

5. Actionable Plan
Based on the sum of all factors in the situation you can together create a realistic plan that works for your values, your child's abilities and age appropriate responses.  Keep in mind that you have a peaceful objective that protects all the children involved and has a win-win outcome.  

6. Role Play and Rehearse  
Discussing how to handle a bullying situation is not enough.  It requires that you role play it in as realistic of conditions as you can create and your child is ready for.  Switch roles each time so that you can demonstrate how to do it and then allow your child to be inspired by your clever, calm confidence and display of assertive inner strength.  Give each other feedback on how you did.  One of my favorite tools is to video or audio record the process and watch it afterwards.  On video, turn off the sound and simply watch body language to see where the majority of communication is coming from.  (Research shows that only about 3-7% of communication is verbal.)  This is a very powerful tool once you get over being camera shy.  Make bullying prevention practice fun!

If you want more information on how to effectively STOP BULLYING, my programs or organization join us online at:

John Nottingham's BullyProof Vest
How To Handle Bullying Like a Bodyguard
Speaking, Assemblies, Teacher Training, Verbal Judo Tactical Communication, Physical Intervention

The Bullying Prevention Initiative International
Free resources from best practices, protective specialists, research, discussion and more.

The Phoenix BullyProof Project
Arizona Bullying Prevention Initiative Sponsored by Nottingham Sword & Shield Security, John Nottingham's BullyProof Vest and USA Martial Arts

 Meet John Nottingham, Security, Self Defense, Bullying Specialist, Speaker and Consultant

Meet John Nottingham Director, Bullying Prevention Initiative International      Arizona Bullying Prevention Initiative The Phoenix BULLYPROOF Project  Speaker and Consultant John Nottingham, PI, E.P.S., 6th Degree Black Belt Master Instructor knows how it feels be bullied.  Not only did he overcome it, he has taught thousands of men, women and children to resolve conflicts peacefully for over 26 years.  His  mission is to provide alternative solutions on the serious issue of bullying and self defense; and to educate about the importance of peace and character education programs.  The connection between bullying and other forms of violence, and the effects bullying has on children is significant.  John specializes in Verbal Judo, Bullying Prevention and Victim Proof Self Defense Training, and is available to speak at schools, church groups, and community events.

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Alternative to Anti-Bullying Movement  

John founded the not for profits Bullying Prevention Initiative International as well as the local chapter of the Arizona Bullying Intervention Initiative - The Phoenix BullyProof Project to provide alternatives to the failed school wide anti-bullying programs.

John  has served as an adviser and contributor for the Break The Chain Foundation, a charity dedicated to raising awareness about child abuse.  He is also authoring a book on bullying - 5 Steps To Handle a Bully Like a Bodyguard - a practical guide to self defense with dignity.  He draws from his vast experience in advanced threat assessment and management, self defense, security, military intelligence and role as a martial arts peace educator.  His methods have served as advice for various community, school, and faith-based programs, special events and conferences. 

If you have opportunity for a speaker, event, or program/project manager, or would like
to get more information about fees and services – John can be contacted by email ~  BullyProofVestAZ@gmail.com  Facebook Bullying Prevention Initiative International Facebook Arizona Bullying Prevention Project Blog Bullying Prevention World

Bully Proofing Your Child

Bully Proofing Your Child

The Founder of the Bullying Prevention Program Called Bully-Proof Vest 5 Step Method of Handling Bullying Without Fighting Shares Secrets to Help Parents and Teachers Protect Children from Bullying in Phoenix AZ

Bully Proofing Your Child starts with some simple but often overlooked or under-emphasized steps. Having taught thousands of children and adults steps to effectively handle bullying behavior over the past 26 years I've been able to learn quite a few practical lessons.

• How to handle aggressive behavior
• Developing self-awareness
• Encouraging empathy
• Verbal Judo Martial Arts for the Mouth
• Overcoming worry, fear and anxiety

Some of the same skills we teach at my bodyguard/security training events are directly applicable to these situations. However, we have to consider the audience and the age-appropriate learning methodology.

I'm able to meet thousands of parents and children each year and have had the opportunity to analyze the behavior of children, their parents and notice what works... more importantly when it comes to handling bullying, what doesn't.

1. It begins with the relationship from the parent or teacher to the child. The child needs to feel that it is OK to talk to you about difficult or troubling subjects. The lines of communication need to always remain open. Children need to know they can trust their parents to not to over-react to what they tell you and that they will be believed. I always tell parents, trust but verify. But the child should see that you choose to trust them first and will then tactfully verify. It is important to preserve the bond of trust and the dignity of the child. It is important to treat all safety concerns with a calm and sincere effort.
2. Setting an example how to deal with aggressive or abusive behavior. Children will follow their role models and often replicate what they see. How they experience and witness the parent handing aggressive behavior will usually result in them doing the same. Think of these moments as teachable times where you can show how self control, putting something in context and treating others appropriately is important. Simply taking a moment to use an anger management technique could be powerful. If you cut off in traffic, rather than lashing out in anger, using threats or rude gestures, take a deep breath, count to ten and use your words to redirect your emotions and behavior. "Wow, I need to take a breath, count to ten and take some cool down time." You are then teaching your child how to use these techniques and can use this example when they face frustrating challenges. This sets the stage for staying calm in the face of a bullying situation and creating some emotional separation to think more clearly.
3. Building strong social skills are critical for bully proofing your child. Simply teaching them how to make eye contact, shake hands firmly, do introductions and initiate conversations help build confidence and bullying prevention skills. Additionally, your child will feel more comfortable trying to confront the problem with words or access help by involving adults. Children with higher social intelligence and more advanced social skills are less likely to be selected as the target of bullying. This is why it is important to help your child develop self awareness and empathy.
4. Testing and guiding social intelligence. One simple test that I advise parents to give their child is simply to observe them introducing themselves to a group or social situation. Notice how they shy away, or work their way into a group. Note their body language, tone, word choice. You can encourage improvement in all of these areas if necessary. You can also watch how your child demonstrates problem solving skills. Often when a child reverts to bullying, they are demonstrating a lack of alternative social skills. By providing them with other options, they can develop more responsible methods of getting what they want. This can go a long way in teaching your child how to prevent and manage aggressive behavior, abuse and bullying situations.
5. Imparting and reinforcing strong safety skills. Teaching safety skills should be a natural part of growing up. Reinforcing them is a matter of taking advantage of teachable moments just as you would teaching a child to hold your hand and look both ways before crossing a street. Just like wearing a seat belt, bullying and abduction safety habits can be introduced in a non-threatening manner as to not cause undo anxiety or worry. Role playing is another great way of reinforcing these lessons and, with a bit of creativity, can be a fun way of boding with a child.
6. Encouraging integrity, character and doing the right thing are ways to build a positive self concept and self respect. These go a long way in building inner strength. You can notice children who carry themselves with dignity and confidence. They project an inner strength that comes from the respect they have for themselves. Respect begins with one's self and in the home. Additionally, a child who has a strong sense of values and self is far more likely to speak up to help defend someone else. Children can learn to be a good friend, include others, and thwart bullying by speaking up when they see wrong. Isn't that the world we all want to live in? In my Nottingham's KNIGHTS program, we encourage a hero culture (as opposed to the victim culture) and celebrate courage, honor, standing up for the weak. Our goal is to have the strong be confident and courageous in defending others who may not have the ability to do so. Reports show that over 85% of bullying happens away from teachers and adults. Encouraging character, integrity and a hero culture helps redirect and reduce bullying incidences in social situations when adults may not be present.

These are integral lessons reinforced in most martial arts schools. In my USA Martial Arts school in Phoenix, these are not only encouraged, but required. Students earn patches, stickers, and advance in martial arts belt rank based on displaying consistent positive choices, good habits, social as well as leadership skills and safety skills.

But you don't need a professional martial arts instructor and bodyguard trainer to help your child learn these things. It can begin at home or school with simple encouragement and consistent reinforcement over time.

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